What's New with the Hoard, You Ask?

Journalist Hannah Buckdahl has posted an update on Greg and the Hoard House, here:

2013 Update: Going on Three Years




If you, too, are battling a hoard, please don't give up (unless you are giving up because you are letting someone else take over).  Get help, but get it done.

If you are the child or partner of a hoarder, do not underestimate the mental, emotional, and physical strain this mental disorder is putting on you.  Get help for yourself, don't try to eat/drink/sleep/shop/sex it away.

PEOPLE need to win - not hoards.

I continue to blog about hoarding, bad relationships, mental health issues and recovery, and sometimes about Sid, at my own "place," http://perfectlyawfulusa.blogspot.com/.  Come on by, if you like.


Hugs and healing to everyone here, ~Beverly

Birthday Girl - What's Not Askew?

Bev here: Today would have been Sid's 44th birthday.

I feel blessed to have known her and loved her as a friend, and unfairly robbed by her untimely death.  But something I've known for a long time is that when somebody you love dies, the relationship doesn't end.

We still think about the person, talk to the person. She's visited me in m dreams, a couple of times now. I often hear Sid's voice in my head, chortling over something, or small and sad, or filled with energy and passion. I often see her freckled face before me, her eyes twinkling with mischief, or quietly reflective.

My cat, Metaphor, aka Stinky.
Cuddling up to the Sid blanket I am constantly using on my couch.

I want to stay connected to my beloved friend, but go on with my own life, too. I've seen people get so wrapped up in mourning a friend, spouse, child, parent, that it's the only thing they want to talk about, EVER, not just for the first year or two, but for many years after the person has passed on.

So, how do I mourn Sid, honor her, and keep her in my life, without it crossing over to the creepy-and-obsessive?

Luke from Olive's Bistro cannot contain his amusement
at my goofy-maroon hair.

I don't know, exactly - and everything I do, from the mundane, to the more original, seems to go askew in some way.

For example, I went to my stylist, and asked, could she put a patch of color in my hair, that would be (close to) the same color as Sid's beautiful, burnished copper hair?

She said, since my hair is already blonde, if she added colors XYZ, it would come out the exact color I was looking for.

My hair did not get the memo.

Askew.

I imagined how Sid might have spent her birthday, the first since she and Greg parted ways. She might have gone to spend the weekend with her parents, or her sister (or both).

Or, if she stayed in town, and seein' that we were both working women, we might have gone out for a (nonalcoholic) drink at Olive's, or perhaps caught a movie.  Possibly Silver Linings Playbook, given our mutual interest in mental health issues (and Bradley Cooper being super-hot not a drawback).

In fact, on my birthday, last June, Sid joined me to see a matinee of OC87 The Obsessive Compulsive Major Depression Bipolar Asperger's Movie.  One of these days I'm going to write a review about it.

 Personally, I was surprised at how UNhot Bradley Cooper was in Silver Linings (though still a very fine actor, as was Jennifer Lawrence), and could not help internally SCREAMING that I wished I had Sid around to discuss this movie with.

I picked a particular theatre chain in which to see this movie, because I have a holiday  gift card with a few dollars remaining on it, so why not use it up? But when at the movie box office, I could not locate said holiday gift card.

Askew.

Talking of askew, I could not even take
a decent photo of the place.

Olive's Street entrance

Stephanie's bouquet, because Sid loved lilies.
Should be in full bloom today.

Stephanie, Sid's sister, sent lovely flowers to Olive's, and I am presuming to Tallyrand as well, to thank all those who loved Sidney. Although Luke said he gets stargazer lilies all the time, something in the arrangement had him a-sneezing and a-sniffling.

This is the "askew" of which I speak. And as I sat at the bar in Olive's, and watched Luke in his respiratory misery, I thought, Sid would be laughing about this. Not in a mean way - Sid was never, EVER, mean - but just at the askewedness of something meant to thank and comfort those who loved her, causing those who loved her this tiny amount of discomfort.

I think this is how everything feels, in a grief state. Even when things are going okay, even well, there's the sense of things being askew.

Because the person we love is not where s/he belongs.

Somehow, we have to come to be at peace with the askewedness of the loved one not being with us, without becoming totally askewed, ourselves. Somehow we have to find peace with having a piece of our hearts, our lives, missing, with that askewed feeling, without ourselves crossing the lines to depression, angry vituperation, or blame.

In Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence plays a young woman who (spoiler alert!) was having sexual difficulties with her husband, possibly due to her own depresson or bipolar disorder. After her husband is killed following his shopping trip to Victoria's Secret, ISO items to spice up their sex life, this character overcompensates by becoming hypersexual with everyone in her office.

Askewed.

My watermelon-tini.Truly, a lovely drink.
But, I asked for another kind of drink, originally,
and Luke did not have the ingredients on hand to make it.
Askew.

Susan and Peter.
Among many people loving and missing Sid.

For sure something Sid would be doing, would want us all to do, is continue to fight for awareness about the problem of hoarding.

As the show Hoarders and Hoarders: Buried Alive enter the new season, know that hoarding, and its horrific effect on children forced to live in shame and squalor, has not magically vanished just because Sid is no longer battling against it.  Some say there are as many as 15 million hoarders in the USA.

All it takes is a quick search on the 'Net to pull up dozens of stories. Here's a few:

• Looking at these pictures, you can't even recognize the kitchen as a kitchen
• Pinned under debris for two days
• How many birds does one person need?
• How about dead cats in the freezer?
• Hoarding neighbors can mean rats in YOUR yard
• Hoarding Will Get Its Own Spot in the DSM-5

If you love Sid (or hate hoarding), please, talk to people about it. The more people who understand this is a very real, very serious mental illness, the more hope that someday, there will be effective treatments for it.

Have things ever been askew for you after a loved one died?

Your thoughts?

5 Ways to Survive the Horrible Holidays

For me [Bev here], and for many, there is no way this year is gonna be a "Holly, Jolly Christmas." I've begun to think that the Mayan Apocalypse might be a good thing, compared to all else that has happened these past few months.

On top of the grief I already felt with missing the beautiful and luminous Sidney Patrick, creator of this blog, and added to some other losses and crises in my personal life, the Sandy Hook massacre has nearly brought me to my emotional knees. From Grief Support at funeralplan.com:

...grief is more like adding rocks into a backpack. Each loss, be it a death, divorce or a move away from family and friends, is packed in like another rock; some bigger than others.

I was not prepared to have another 27 rocks added to my emotional backpack.

But we don't get to choose or get time to prepare, we just have to deal with whatever life hands us. I asked myself WWSD? (What Would Sid Do?), and decided she'd post a blog chock full of linky love.  (I can't begin to emulate her crisp writing style, so y'all will have to bear with my rambling one.)

1. Light A Candle

Sid embodied the saying, "It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." (Not that Sid was squeamish about cursing, provided the circumstances were appropriate. But she was more about bringing light and hope to others.)

From beliefnet:

A ritual or ceremony combines tangible objects with actions as a powerful way to remember a person and their life.

Place a new candle in a special place in your home – perhaps on the dining table, in the living room or in the bedroom. Light the candle each day or evening, signifying time consecrated for remembering the one you loved. In the light and warmth of the candle, sit with your memories, giving thanks for the person's presence in the past and the memories that accompany you now.

(Beliefnet has a wonderful slideslide with many other helpful and not particularly religious suggestions on honoring and remembering our lost loved ones at this time.)

2. Join A Support Group

Even if you're not much of a joiner, there are wonderful groups that offer holiday (and year-round) support. There is often tremendous relief in sharing your story with people who truly can say, "I know how you feel," because they are dealing with grief, themselves .

Griefshare offers meetings, counseling, and daily encouraging emails. While it is a church-based ministry, the clips I watched and the material I read did not seem in-your-face religious.

Grief Beyond Belief is an online support network (on FaceBook) for people grieving the death of a child, parent, partner, or other loved one -- without belief in a higher power or any form of afterlife. Atheists, agnostics, humanists, skeptics, freethinkers and others without religious or spiritual beliefs are invited to participate. If you are in the process of reevaluating or letting go of previously held religious beliefs, you may also join the community and seek support.

You might want to contact your own church, temple, or other organization to see if it offers grief counseling and support built upon the foundations of your own spiritual beliefs.

3. Write A Poem, An Essay, A Song, or A Letter

or find one that has significance for you. This one said Sid to me.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
e e cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

[Being nervous about not having copyright permission for more than a small excerpt, you can read the rest of this gorgeous poem here.]

4. Choose A Small Talisman or Trinket that Speaks to You

(But in honor of Sid, choose only one. She would not thank you for hoarding on her behalf. )

This blanket was on Sid's couch when she died. I coveted it, because the colors said Sid to me, reminiscent of her beautiful hair, the vibrant colors of the home she shared with Greg, and because it had been made for her by her mother Nancy, with love in every stitch. Nancy, and Sid's family were gracious enough to let me keep it, in remembrance of her.

Last week, I brought it with me to our writers crit group - the first one we held since Sid died. I held and touched it when I needed comfort. Your talisman may not be a literal blankie - it could be a hair scrunchie, or an earring, or a tiny photo that you put on a keychain fob, or a coffee cup. It could be something that never belonged to Sid (or your loved one), but holds meaning for you.

5. Help Others

Ann Curry posted on her FaceBook page :

Imagine if we all committed 20 acts of kindness to honor the lost children of Newtown..(or 26 acts, including the heroic teachers.) I'm in. A growing number on Twitter are in. #20Acts #26Acts What do you think FB friends? If yes, share!

Sid would have been so all over this! I can imagine her posting on FaceBook some small act of kindness every day, and cheering on those who were Tweeting #26Acts.  (Her problem would have been narrowing down her list to only 26.)

I'm counting this blog post as one of my own #26 Acts (though I think I'll try for 30, counting in Sid and a few other much loved and missed people).

If you have an idea for a great act of kindness that doesn't include money (I've already got donations covered), or bodily strength (currently dealing with a gimpy arm), please leave your ideas in the comments. And let us know if you're in, too.

Peace and healing to you - and yes, joy - this holiday season.

 Love, ~Bev

Related articles

• Sandy Hook and Facebook: A Nation Grieves through Social Media (psychcentral.com)
• Peter Paul & Mary - Light One Candle (youtube.com)
• Finding Holiday Joy Amid the Grief (webmd.com)
• Coping with Grief During the Holidays (griefnet.org)
• Handling Grief at the Holidays (helpstartshere.org)

A Celebration of Sidney's LifeHas It Really Been A Week?

When we try to put together the pieces for someone we love who's passed on, the time between those first adorable baby pictures and the end of life seems incredibly short.

Especially for the author of this blog, Ms. Sidney P. How can she possibly be gone, already?

This is Beverly Diehl, posting on behalf of Sid's friends and family, for those unable to attend her Celebration of Life on October 28, 2012 - and for those who want another peek at it.

She was an avid reader, starting from the time she was very young. (Sid's on the right, and I suspect she was actually reading, not just pretending to, while her little sister Stephanie on the left attempted to copy her.)

Anyone who ever exchanged words with Sid - electronic or in person - knows how very sharp, witty and intelligent she was.

Fun? The center of attention?  That, too.

But never in a snobby, "Mean Girls" kind of way.









Jason Elliott posted on her Facebook wall, along with the picture, below: "I think just about everyone in those days had a crush on Sid, and I was no different, but the thing that I liked the most about her was that she always treated me as an equal. In those John Hughes high school days, she was a popular drilldo and I was a geeky arty weirdo, but that didn't ever stop her from saying hi to me or chatting with me no matter who she was hanging out/walking with at the time.

Hart High Drama Club rehearsal.
This photo... must have been taken in 1986 or 1987

20 years later, we reconnected on facebook and I have to say that her presence here has always been one of the things I enjoyed the most about being here. Sid's witty and sharp humor, her kindness and her giving nature, have always held a special place in my heart these last few years. Her frequent comments and words of encouragement and her "liking" all my dumb crap (and making me laugh with her own) meant so much to me."

Sidney was such a huge reason for the energy we all felt when we walked on campus and truly had a blast! Her sweet heart, happy spirit, talent, and willingness to go for it all was contagious. (Cathy McNulty)

So many high school memories with you zipping around Valencia in your Honda with Sherry L Moore. Your passion for OU and their football team, your "older" boyfriend from LA, the original LWC's. You had a joy of life and sense of humor like no other. Full of zest, sass and a true original. (Tiffany Hagan Coletta)

Those of us who knew Sid later in life would be surprised to find out that, according to her mother, she had a hard time making friends when the family moved to Valencia and she started at William S. Hart High School, drill team membership notwithstanding. See, the girls at the time were a bit clique-y, had had all their friends lined up since kindergarten - and here was Sid, absolutely adorable, with that stunning red hair, incredibly smart, and... an outsider.

I believe she took the kernel of that hurt/rejection, and used it for the rest of her life, determined to never make anyone else feel that way. When you were with Sid, you always felt accepted, respected, and valued. 

This woman made everyone feel like they were the center of her universe. (Laura Hailey-Butler)

She was also, apparently, "one of the guys."

One of her high school friends (top row, fifth from left in pic below) spoke about how there was a group of Hart H.S. guys Sid would hang out with and watch football games.  Their party was never complete unless Sid was there. That they were all a little bit in love with her - and how he prided himself on almost getting a kiss from her, once. [I am kicking myself that I can't remember said friend's name, though we were introduced. There was a lot on my mind/heart at the time.]

Sid and "her guys" - looks like 10/15 year H.S. reunion? maybe 20 year?

Sid did make lifelong girlfriends, as well, especially during her time at the University of Oklahoma, and as a member of Chi Omega Sorority.

"Chi-o now departing,
Come sweet bid adieu
Chi-o ever after...,
We'll remember you" (Carmen Quiroga Chicola)

Several of the girlfriends she made during her years at the University spoke at the celebration.

I cannot think of Sid in any way that does not include those expressive brown eyes, mischievous smile, and contagious laugh. Your eyes, smile, laugh will be an image in my mind for life, like my own Cheshire cat. I will carry you in my heart always, and be extra grateful for having had you in my circle of friends. (Mari Wadsworth)

There was no one with a bigger heart than you. Your laughter and zest for life could fill a room. (Laura Hailey-Butler)

You lifted the room, made us think and definitely made us all better for knowing and adoring you. (Angela Fenwick Hamil)

She was a remarkable person with a smile that saved me from my own darkness more than once! (Ronda Thompson-Chobanian)

with Diane Chan Payne Doyle and Amy Brust Herndon
Diane: I'm so very sad...the world has lost a very rare person...
a true light and a wonderful friend and Big Sis
....rest in peace Sid. You will be missed!

The world is a better place because you walked among us. May your spirit continue to bless those that were touched by knowing you. (Ana Lydia Monaco)

with Keri Layne-Tarman and Julie Evanko Eck

How many of us knew she served on the board of her credit union? Rachel Alanis gave us a peek into that side of her, and Chris Leu shared a little about her time at ACCO Engineered Systems, how despite not actually being a mechanical engineer, Sid's name was all over their company papers.

Rumor has it Sid did a wicked karaoke version of Linda Ronstadt's When Will I Be Loved?


She probably would have taken our "technical difficulties" with the PowerPoint slide show in stride. (Everything was set up, but we didn't have the remote to turn the projector on. Broom handle, problem solved.)

My guess is, she would've been snorting with laughter and Tweeting about it.

Sid and niece Sophia

Yes, she was much more comfortable with a smartphone than a baby, though she loved her nieces Sophia and Sarah.

Sid was a natural blogger and Tweeter, and once she hit the blogosphere, she made herself KNOWN.

That's how I came to know her, as a fellow anonymous blogger at first. Then when I realized we lived next door to each other, so to speak, I had to meet her.

First, I had to convince her that I was not a crazy lesbian stalker.

Once that was accomplished (though the "crazy" is still under some dispute), I even managed to lure her to my writers' critique group, where everyone there fell in as much deep Like with Sid as I had.

She and I found we had much in common, and I am honored that I was even invited to the new apartment that she had for such a short time.

All those of you who read her blog here, or met her via Newsweek or in the Huffington Post interview, well know what an articulate and passionate advocate she was for anti-hoarding, and on behalf of children of hoarders, who are so often overlooked.

I knew her as a writer -- trying to make a difference in how and what people thought. Her voice -- both written and spoken -- will be deeply missed. Godspeed, Sid. (Kate Hays)

I was just going through some of my old posts and see so many from Sidney Patrick. Every single post has made me smile. I'm missing that extra bit of sparkle she brought to each day.(Kelly Gratland Mauzey)

The Coast Anabelle Hotel did a wonderful job for us with the Celebration; Laurie and Luke were both working the event and sharing in Sid's memories with the rest of us. Vance Gloster (from our crit group) provided beautiful soft music.

Sid and Greg with Tom & Michelle Messmer

Laura Hailey-Butler - Sid with a random guy's parrot at a
restaurant in Venice Beach. We had so much fun that day.

The world has lost a shining star. (Dara Siegel)

Sidney radiated beauty...! I'm very saddened but I know they are rejoicing in heaven because it is cleaner and more organized ! =•}(Suzee Rivers Cooper)

I only knew Sidney Patrick for a short time through the blogosphere; her comments were always uplifting and her insights sharp. She was an amazingly strong voice for victims of hoarding on her recent HuffPo Live appearance. My heart goes out to all of you who were blessed to have her in your lives.  (Amy Hubbell)

Sidney was a great blogger, a great classmate and dear dear friend. (Michael Calderon)

I only knew Sidney from her posts and comments, but she was always a sparkle, sometimes a bright light, in a day. (Jim Linton)

A year ago, she formed SoCal Lady Bloggers with Megan McClain and Carolyn West.  This time, she dragged me into her group. And from three members it's grown to well over two hundred, in part due to Sid's enthusiasm and hard work on behalf of the group. She never did anything half-heartedly.

SoCal Lady Bloggers meet at Olive's in Burbank

Jamie Gall brought the pictures that were on display at the celebration, and AJ (top middle) was responsible for the Powerpoint slideshow (if not our projector problem).  Many of the SCLB have been hit hard by the news of Sid's death.

Her final words to me & Erin Miller the evening we met her, "We're here to help you". She truly did care for her readers & helping bloggers. (Mary Lansing)

She was special. The kind of person that you don't meet very often. She was kind and funny and was always willing to help. (Carolyn West)

Beautiful, fun, smart, kind, super-helpful. 

There's only one thing I think we can all agree on that we HATE about Sid.

That's she's gone.